I've honestly been crying all day. I still can't believe he fucking ended shit. I didn't want anything from him other than friendship. I wanted to be part of his life again. He pushed me away. He's pushed everyone away. The excuses he gave me in his email are complete and utter BULLSHIT. All he wants to do is sit in his fucking chair in front of the TV or on his computer FUCK HIM. I met him when I was 20. I'm turning 40 this year. I wasted half my goddamn life on his. Maybe it would have been easier if we had never met AT ALL. Fucking BULLSHIT. He emailed me as much as I emailed him and he never gave ANY indication that he didn't want to hear from me. He emailed me last night to tell me he was trying to take pictures of the night sky! HE emailed ME. What the fuck happened between last night and this morning?
I feel humiliated and devastated. I feel like a fucking idiot. I keep thinking this is some nightmare. I have cried SO MUCH today. What a waste of time. Why did I even bother?
FUCK YOU PETER. Enjoy wasting the rest of your life doing fuck all in your chair, picking your nose and wafting farts in your face. You claim you don't want to be chained to a computer but that's all you fucking do. When you're not watching tv, you're on your computer doing programming shit or downloading movies.
Congrats on pushing away the last person in your life. I forgave you once, because what happened a long time ago wasn't your fault. But I will NEVER EVER forgive you for this. You are dead to me. My memories of you are tainted. I want to forget you. I want to forget everything about you. Enjoy what little time you have left. I hope you end up realizing the mistake you've made. I hope it eats you up inside.
Goodbye and good fucking riddance. I am PISSED OFF. I will probably regret saying these things. I feel so betrayed. I need to vent.
Here's the goodbye email. I'm fucking livid. He's blocked me on everything. I can no longer watch his cam either because he's blocked me from doing that.
"I'm sorry, this has to end.
There are three reasons.
One is that our "relationship" can't go anywhere, it has nothing to
offer either of us. You're there, I'm here, we don't take part in
anything that the other does, and all we have to say is all that we've
already said, usually the day before, and most of it already said twenty
years ago. It's just not going anywhere, and it's not going to either.
It can't.
The second is me. I wish to live alone, and at the moment I'm not doing
that, even with you 3500 miles away. You are a part of every day, and
that's simply not what I want. Lessening how often we talk isn't the
answer - it's that we talk at all that is the problem. I wish to be
alone. I tried to tell you when we "re-met" that I didn't want to do
this kind of thing, typing or talking into machinery to someone else on
the other end. But I've given it a try. Unfortunately, having given it a
go I still feel the same.
The third is that I seem to be all that you do, as far as I can tell. It
doesn't look right, or healthy. I shouldn't be the person you say "good
morning" to at 7am! You need to be chatting to and doing things with
people who are less than three thousand miles away. I have over 120
emails from you in just over a month - you seem to be spending all your
emotional energy on me, and that just isn't right for you. You deserve
better, and you deserve to get more from your relationships with people
than I can ever give you, for reasons of both geography and personality.
You have to understand that the problem isn't you, and not take it
pesonally.
I've tried to be what I was for you on this end of a thin wire, but you
must realise that even what little is left of my family don't have the
kind of access to me that I've tried to give you. My own brother only
briefly chats every few weeks or so, just to see if I'm still alive. My
son has a special and unique place with me, but he is of course uniquely
and specially my son - the rules don't apply to him and he is the only
living thing that can have what he does, and ever will be, because he is me.
It's not that there isn't space and time in my life for the amount of
relationship you seem to want from me, I have all of both of those in
the world - but not to give. It's that I don't want a relationship, of
any kind, with anyone. I wish to be alone. All I really want from life
nowadays is to just potter about with my toys, and be me - and only me.
So it has to end, I'm sorry.
It was nice to catch up with you, and to see you're OK, and I hope
you've got something out of chatting to me and at least seeing that
"she" isn't a part of anything any more. You've learned that she was the
reason we fell apart all those years ago. It wasn't your fault then and
it isn't your fault now, and so something really positive has come from
all this - but the fact remains that we are from the past, not the
present, and that's where we have to stay.
I will be alone, that's all there is to it, and so this absolutely has
to be goodbye. It's the only way that will work for me, and I believe
that it will work out better for you.
Adieu!"
9:26 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2023
Recent entries:
- - Friday, Feb. 03, 2023
- - Monday, Jan. 23, 2023
- - Monday, Jan. 23, 2023
Addressing things - Saturday, Jan. 21, 2023
- - Friday, Jan. 20, 2023
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