I'm over the crying. Why bother crying over some asshole who wants to spend the rest of his days alone? If that's what he wants to do then whatever. The way he did it was so fucking cruel. An email. A goddamn email. He could have called me and told me that way, so we could at least discuss it. Fucking coward.

Sadness has been replaced by anger. But I don't know who I am angry at more. Me, for wasting 20 years of my life on him? Or him for doing what he did. I should have let my memory of him die when he abandoned our friendship the first time. It's obvious that whatever we had back then meant more to me than it did to him. Guess I'm just a fucking idiot.

I want to address something he said in his email to me and it's this part:

"The third is that I seem to be all that you do, as far as I can tell. It
doesn't look right, or healthy."

This is bullshit and untrue. I have a life outside of you. I don't spend all day in front of my laptop and ipad waiting for you to email me. Or watching you on your cam. Sure, I watched you sometimes. YOU are the one who told me about it. YOU told me to download it. YOU are the one who said "Been meaning to do this for ages, so thanks for the prod!" That was all YOU. YOU are the one who told me to talk to you!

You know what doesn't look right or healthy? Someone who cuts everyone out of their life, to sit around doing fuck all with the rest of your life.

"I shouldn't be the person you say "good morning" to at 7am!"

Oh fuck off. I did that a few times. And why the fuck can't I say good morning to you? What's wrong with that?

" I have over 120 emails from you in just over a month"

Ok? Again, you are the one who said you preferred email because more care goes into it. You responded to every single email I sent. At NO point did you ever mention to me that it was a problem. If you had told me that I was emailing you too much and we need to slow that down, then I would have understood and scaled back. But no. You decided to be a fucking pussy about it and ended the friendship with a bunch of pathetic excuses.

"you seem to be spending all your emotional energy on me"

Nope. Again. Not true. I was trying to be your friend. I was trying to be there for you as someone you could talk to, since you cut everyone else out. That's what friends fucking do.

"You have to understand that the problem isn't you, and not take it personally."

HAHAHAHAHA. Don't take it personally? When you've just listed a bunch of reasons pointing shit out? Saying you want to live alone and you aren't doing that because I am a part of your every day even when I'm 3500 miles away? That the fact that we even talk at all is the problem.

Fuck you.

"You've learned that she was the reason we fell apart all those years ago. It wasn't your fault then and
it isn't your fault now, and so something really positive has come from all this"

Nah. You've just ruined every positive memory I've had of you. So thanks for that. That's all tainted now. I want to forget you and forget you exist.

"My son has a special and unique place with me, but he is of course uniquely and specially my son - the rules don't apply to him and he is the only living thing that can have what he does, and ever will be, because he is me."

Oh cool. So you're relying on your 15 year old son to be your only companion. Your 15 year old son that you only see every couple of weeks and shows a complete lack of interest in what you say to him? The one I heard you yelling at on the phone that he needs to choose what he wants to do? He's 15 years old. What 15 year old knows what they want to do with the rest of their fucking life at that age? That son? Cool. Good luck with that. You don't even know if he's going to choose to live with you or stay with your ex when the time comes for him to decide.

"I don't want a relationship, of any kind, with anyone. I wish to be alone"

You got what you wanted. Your ex must have really fucked you up, huh? Well congrats. You got what you wanted. Enjoy your friendless lonely existence. You are going to regret it, and when you do, it's going to be too late.

Ugh. I'm sorry. Y'all don't want to hear about this. That person who left me those notes about him being "sus" and me being too nice for him and that I deserve better, you were 100% right. I was too stupid to realize it. Thanks for letting me vent, diary.

10:49 a.m. - Saturday, Jan. 21, 2023