Newest// Older// GuestBook// Email Me// Diary Rings// Diaryland


2002-03-17 - 3:47 p.m.
Ok, I'm bored. This is my fourth entry today! I just wanted to post some quotes from Kevin Smith movies. (Dogma, Mallrats, Clerks, etc)

CLERK QUOTES

Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya, nothing personal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?

Randal Graves: Annoying customer.

Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Phat Buds: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Phat Buds: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: Call the police!

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin!

Randal Graves: She said she did all the work!

Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[After losing a hockey ball from the roof.]

Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?

Jay Phat Buds: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?

Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.

Dante Hicks: And you rented this?

Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[repeated line]

Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?

Dante Hicks: "Empire".

Randal Graves: Blasphemy!

Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.

Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?

Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?

Dante Hicks: I guess not.

Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.

Dante Hicks: What kinda show?

[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.]

Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.

Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now?

Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

Customer: I will never come to this place again!

Dante Hicks: I'm sorry?

Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!

Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.

Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.

Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag.] I think you can see her kidneys!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: They never rent anything good either. They always choose the most intellectually devoid stuff on the rack.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.

Jay Phat Buds: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?

Customer: Hey, man, you got anything?

Jay Phat Buds: Yeah, man, what you want?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: Are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her.] Sir?

Randal Graves: What?

Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.

Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal Graves: Nope.

Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?

Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.

Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.

Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...

Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.

Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good.

Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?

Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!

Randal Graves: You'll be missed.

Customer: Screw you!

[leaves]

Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!

Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.

Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!

Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?

Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!

Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!

Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.

Dante Hicks: How many?

Veronica Loughran: Dante...

Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?

Veronica Loughran: Let it go!

Dante Hicks: How many?

Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!

Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?

[long pause as customer buys something]

Dante Hicks: Well?

Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.

Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?

Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.

Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?

Veronica Loughran: Ummm...37.

Dante Hicks: I'm 37?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!

Customer: In a row?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys, that's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: But you hate people.

Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dante Hicks: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter.]

Woman with daughter: Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?

Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?

Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Daughter: Happy Scrappy...

Woman with Daughter: She loves it.

Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh...yeah...Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Phat Buds: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.

Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.

Sanford: So?

Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?

Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?

Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.

Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!

Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.

Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?

Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.

Sanford: Fuckin' A!

Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randal Graves: I could do without the customers in the video store.

Dante Hicks: Which ones?

Randal Graves: All of them.

MALLRATS

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game.]

Renee: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.

Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shannon Hamilton: I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: He must be halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother barged in, I said okay. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Do you think Mr. Fantastic can stretch his dinky also? And do you think The Thing is hard all over? I mean really all over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?

T.S.: No, why do you ask?

Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.

T.S.: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...

Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.

T.S.:

[Retches]

Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.

T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Phat Buds: Where do you get these wonderful toys?

[c.f. _Batman_ (qv)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.

[c.f. _The Empire Strikes Back (1980)_ (qv)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.

T.S.: Sure it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!

T.S.: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.

Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: Usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T.S.: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.

T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?

T.S.: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[At a Dating Game-like game show.]

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?

Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?

Brandi: You know, being intimate.

Brodie: What? Like fucking?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, bicky bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brandie: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?

Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something?

Brodie Bruce: Yeah! About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay Phat Buds: You know what you need? What you need is a fatty boom batty blunt. Then I guarantee you'll see an ocean, a sailboat and maybe some of them big-tittied mermaids doin' some of that lesbian shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie Bruce: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

Brodie Bruce: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you! You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex! And I should know, we can smell our own.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie Bruce: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie Bruce: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people!

Brodie Bruce: So you love them?

Gil Hicks: Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie Bruce: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

Brodie Bruce: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Brodie Bruce: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brodie Bruce: They call her Trish "the dish."

Trisha Jones: Nobody calls me that.

CHASING AMY

Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!

Banky Edwards: What's a Nubian?

Hooper: Shut the fuck up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?

Holden: Yeah.

Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?

Holden: What is this supposed to prove?

Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?

Holden: The man-hating dyke.

Banky: Good. Why?

Holden: I don't know.

Banky: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa: I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: I feel a hate crime coming on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?

Banky: Mmm, get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High."

Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.

Banky: I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Alyssa on the phone with Holden after she paged him.]

Alyssa Jones: One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition -- you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.

Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: [to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa: Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cashier: You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: So why the long face, Horace? Banky on the rag?

Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble.

Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: Archie is NOT fucking Mr. Weatherbee!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: Jedi bitch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[On his lovemaking approach]

Banky Edwards: Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa Jones: So, you've never been curious about men?

Holden McNeil: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa Jones: Why are we stopping?

Holden McNeil: Because I can't take this.

Alyssa Jones: Can't take what?

Holden McNeil: I love you.

Alyssa Jones: You love me?

Holden McNeil: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alyssa Jones: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you--it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.

Holden McNeil: Still am.

Alyssa Jones: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holden McNeil: It's not who you love, it's how.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky Edwards: I just have to get something.

[Pulls out a huge stack of porno books]

Holden McNeil: Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those?

Banky Edwards: Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books.

Holden McNeil: You've got like thirty books there! We're only there for two days!

Banky Edwards: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes -- not often, but sometimes -- I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holden MacNeil: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?

Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hooper Lamont: I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know...

Banky Edwards: Faggot?

Hooper Lamont: When you say it, it sounds so sexy.

[Kisses Banky.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Indicating Holden.]

Hooper Lamont: See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hooper Lamont: Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, and nobody supports my ass.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hooper Lamont: All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.

Holden MacNeil: What?

Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.

Jay: What are you so surprised about? The fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just because he don't say anything, it'll have, like, this huge impact when he does open his fucking mouth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spend every day since then chasing Amy. So to speak.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holden McNeil: If this is a crush, I don't think I could handle it if the real thing happened.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banky: Who was that?

Holden: That was Hooper. He invited me to a club.

Banky: Man. When's that faggot gonna learn? You like chicks.

Holden: It's not that kind of club!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hooper: Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat. He was the king of queen Archie's world.

DOGMA

Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.

Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]

Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Wax on, wax off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.

Bethany: New Jersey.

Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?

Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.

Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Bethany: What's the fine print?

Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.

Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?

Bethany: The first part.

Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: What's he like? God?

Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.

Bethany: What, more angels?

Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?

Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany: Excuse me?

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

Jay: I can't wait to die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me -- a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.

Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.

Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: I love fucking with the clergy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train]

Silent Bob: No ticket!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid. Well, let's do the next best thing.

Bartleby: What's that?

Loki: Let's kill people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany Sloane: Sex is a joke in heaven?

Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]

Bethany Sloane: I want to go with you.

Jay: What, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]

Bethany Sloane: What gear are you in?

Jay: "Gear"?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[About Christ.]

Rufus, the 13th Apostle: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.

Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove.

Loki: Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany Sloane: You were martyred?

Rufus, the 13th Apostle: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany Sloane: You're a man of principle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany Sloane: May I ask what brought you here?

Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.

Bethany Sloane: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?

Jay: You know that guy, too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tits in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gun Salesman: We call this next item "The Fecalator." One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany Sloane: You knew Jesus?

Rufus, the 13th Apostle: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: May it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.

Bartleby: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club.]

Bethany: What are you doing?

Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay!

Bethany: What?

Rufus: Long story, forget it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid-coitus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from volunteering for the military in time of service. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out.]

Jay: Like I ever drove before...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus, the 13th Apostle: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?

Liz: In more ways than one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Angels have no genitalia.]

Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. In the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So a very inebriated Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?

Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...

Jay: That you want to offer us sex as a reward.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?

Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.

Jay: She's a slut! Bunnnng!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [Rufus falls naked out of the sky.] Beautiful naked women with big titties don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [nothing] Worth a try.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: If you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no! And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention that fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent?

Bartleby: Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.

Bethany: Nineteen?

Serendipity: The one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[On Christ]

Rufus: He likes to hear people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[On Christ]

Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I once asked you to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN?! IT'S NOT FAIR! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.

Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.

Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father--not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all untrue. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, something I've never told anyone before... if I had the power, I would have.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?

Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: So what do we do now?

Metatron: I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick: Oh, if only we had their numbers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!

Cardinal Glick: Cute.

Rufus: Worked for Moses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake!

Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus: What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?

Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.

Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church]

Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay: Get offa me! I wanna see what's up! What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?! I want some--

[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.

Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...

Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.

Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorreh, I had to do all the work.

Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires!

Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.

Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next to soccer.



previous - next